How to Stop Any Meltdown or Tantrum: A 4‑Step Framework Applied to Bedtime Routines

Ever wish bedtime felt more like “Goodnight Moon” instead of “Go the F to Sleep”? Do you feel one more bedtime battle away from your own meltdown? If meltdowns and tantrums are hijacking your days and your evenings, you’re in the right place. This article shares a universal framework you can use to calm any meltdown or tantrum you face with specific strategies on how to stop bedtime meltdowns and tantrums. Most parents want practical tools for in the moment, so here is a neurodivergent-affirming approach for how to make bedtime easier using the ROAR framework: Regulate, Observe, Assist, Revisit. The ROAR framework first appeared in my book From Surviving to Thriving: The Art and Science of Guiding Children to Develop Behavioral Regulation (available on Amazon in eBook, audiobook, and paperback here) and you can learn more tools and strategies for each step of the framework there.

Tantrum vs Meltdown: What’s the Difference?

Many caregivers wonder about the difference between tantrums and meltdowns. In reality, that distinction is not very important because both are emotional dysregulation, indicators of an unmet need, and signals that demands have outpaced a child’s skills. 

Tantrums are a child’s unskilled attempt to get a need met rather than a manipulative choice. They typically arise in response to frustration over a denied request or a gap in communication skills. Meltdowns are an involuntary reaction to nervous system overload, not a behavioral choice. They can happen to anyone, not just children, and can last anywhere from minutes to days, depending on the individual and situation.

Forget trying to label the explosion as a tantrum or meltdown, it’s all dysregulation. What matters is how you respond. Whether it is a tantrum or a meltdown, the ROAR framework’s four steps help your child regulate, identify triggers, receive support, and revisit strategies once calm has returned.

Whether your child is melting down over pajamas, refusing to brush teeth, or just emotionally tapped out, ROAR helps you respond peacefully and productively. So remember, when your kid's so mad, then you're gonna ROAR.

Understanding Bedtime Meltdowns

Meltdowns are often a response to sensory overload or difficulty transitioning from one state to another. At bedtime, the shift from the stimulating activities of the day to a calm, restful state can be challenging, especially for those with sensory processing difficulties. This can lead to meltdowns as children may feel overwhelmed and unable to calm themselves down.

Stages of a Meltdown

• Pre-Meltdown: This stage is characterized by a feeling of building pressure. The person may feel tense and have trouble thinking and speaking. This stage can last anywhere from a few minutes to several hours. Helpful strategies to prevent escalation include:
• Identifying and avoiding triggers
• Providing support and clear expectations
• Mid-Meltdown: This is the meltdown itself and may include crying, screaming, or lashing out physically. This stage can also last anywhere from minutes to hours. Strategies to manage this stage include:
• Prioritizing safety
• Co-regulation
• Post-Meltdown: This stage is characterized by exhaustion. The person may feel drained physically and emotionally and may feel ashamed about the meltdown. This stage can last from hours to days. Helpful strategies for this stage include:
• Providing a quiet space to recover
• Offering preferred activities or sensory input
• Debriefing and reflecting to prevent future meltdowns 

You can learn more about the 3 stages of a meltdown from an autistic experience here.

Regulate

Regulate yourself first. Stay calm and remind yourself that it will be okay. Take some deep breaths. Remember de-escalation techniques such as giving plenty of personal space, validating emotions, limiting verbal directions, not engaging in power struggles, etc. If you need a comprehensive guide on conflict prevention and de-escalation strategies chapters 2, 6, and 9 of my book will teach you everything you need to know. (It’s too nuanced of a subject for this already too long blog).

Regulating the environment and activities can help create a calming atmosphere that promotes sleep. Here are some specific strategies to help regulate:

1. Calming Music:
• Calming music options include classical music, nature sounds, or white noise.  Marconi Union’s Weightless (You can find it here) is a great option. Its slow tempo and ambient tones signal the brain to wind down. It has been found to help with sleep and to reduce anxiety by 65% (You can learn more about the research here). I have found this song to be helpful during all phases of a meltdown with kids of all ages. 
2. Heavy Work Activities:
• Engage in activities that provide deep pressure input to the muscles and joints, such as pushing a heavy laundry basket, carrying groceries, or using a weighted blanket. You can learn more about safe use of weighted blankets in children here.
• Encourage activities like wall push-ups, bear hugs, or squeezing stress balls. The Regulation-First Bedtime Toolkit includes bedtime sensory diet activities. Get the Toolkit here.
3. Slow Linear Vestibular Input:
• Gentle rocking movements can be very calming. Use a rocking chair or gently rock your child back and forth in your arms.
• Try activities like swinging slowly in a hammock or using a therapy ball for slow, controlled movements.
4. Deep Breathing Exercises:
• Teach deep breathing techniques, such as inhaling deeply through the nose, holding for a few seconds, and exhaling slowly through the mouth. 
• Use guided meditation apps or videos to help with relaxation.
5. Sensory-Friendly Lighting:
• Use dimmable lights or a nightlight to create a calming environment. You can learn more about autism friendly home design here.
• Consider using a smart bulb that can change colors to soft, warm tones in the evening. Learn why science says if you use a night light you should change the bulb to red here.
6. Visual Schedules and Timers:
• Use visual schedules to help your child understand and anticipate the bedtime routine.
• Set timers to signal transitions between activities, such as when it's time to put on pajamas or brush teeth. If your child struggles with transitions you can learn more strategies in this video.
7. Story Time with Audiobooks:
• Use audiobooks to create a relaxing bedtime routine. Choose calming stories and play them through a smart speaker. I also like Cosmic Kids Yoga for Better Sleep (found here) as it combines stories with yoga. You can learn about how research supports the use of yoga for helping people fall asleep and stay asleep here.
• This can also be a great way to wind down without the stimulation of screens.
8. Gentle Massage:
• Incorporate gentle but firm massage into your child's bedtime routine. This can help relax their muscles, give proprioceptive input, and provide a sense of calm. Too light of strokes can be dysregulating to those who don’t like light touch. 
• Use calming essential oils, such as lavender, to enhance the effect. Another way to incorporate essential oils is through diffusers. I like my essential oil humidifier diffuser as it has calming lights (I like the one that looks like flames) and I use scents that are calming to me, and serves a dual purpose because the dry air makes it impossible for me to sleep. ***Use caution with scents as they can be dysregulating for some children, some children may be allergic or have medical conditions where this should be avoided, and some are toxic to pets. Learn more about essential oil safety for children here. And essential oil safety for pets here.***

Observe

Observing your child's behavior and environment can help identify triggers and patterns that lead to meltdowns. Consider the following:

• Sensory Triggers: Are there specific sounds, lights, or textures that seem to cause distress?
• Timing: Does the meltdown happen around the same time every night? Is it connected to any particular activity or event? Take data on the time that meltdowns usually start and then start incorporating nervous system calming activities about half an hour before. These could include calming music, heavy work activities, slow linear vestibular input, etc. Technology can help by providing reminders and playing soothing music or sounds that signal to the brain that it's time to wind down. You can learn how to use technology to help with state transitions (between wakefulness and sleep and sleep and wakefulness) here.
• Emotional Factors: Are there any changes or stressors in your child’s life that might be affecting their bedtime routine?

Assist

Assist your child in meeting any unmet needs that may have contributed to the meltdown, such as:

• Fear of the dark: Use a nightlight or leave a hallway light on.
• Hunger or thirst: Offer a small, healthy snack and a drink of water.
• Pain: Check for any signs of discomfort and address them appropriately.
• Need for connection: Offer comfort and reassurance through hugs, cuddles, or calming words.
• Difficulty with fine motor skills or sequencing: Help with tasks like buttoning pajamas or brushing teeth. Break down the bedtime routine into smaller, manageable steps and provide clear instructions.

Revisit

Revisiting the bedtime routine regularly can help ensure it continues to meet your child's needs. Reflect on what's working and what might need adjustment:

• Evaluate Effectiveness: Are the strategies helping to reduce meltdowns? Are there any new triggers or patterns emerging?
• Adjust as Needed: Modify the routine based on your observations and your child's changing needs.
• Celebrate Successes: Acknowledge and celebrate the progress and improvements in your child's bedtime routine.

A Free Tool to Help

To make this easier, I created a Bedtime Support Plan For Sensory Seeking Children. It’s a printable guide that helps you choose activities that match your child’s current state and gently support them toward rest.

It’s flexible, regulation-first, and emotionally literate. You can use it to build a bedtime routine that actually works for your child’s body and brain.

Download the Bedtime Support Plan For Sensory Seeking Children.

If you’re an occupational therapist supporting neurodivergent children who struggle with state transitions to sleep check out my AOTA approved sleep CEU.

Want More Support?

If you’re ready to go deeper, I’ve created a low-cost digital companion called the Regulation-First Bedtime Toolkit.

The Regulation-First Bedtime Toolkit helps caregivers calm chaos, connect with their child, and build a sensory-smart nighttime routine that actually works. Developed by a pediatric occupational therapist with real-world experience. It’s only $9 and includes:

Get the Toolkit here.

About Devina King, B.A. Psy, MSOTR/L, ASDCS, ADHD-RSP

Devina is an autistic occupational therapist with over 17 years of experience working with children, specializing in behavioral regulation and neurodivergence. As both a clinician and a parent, she combines professional expertise with personal experience parenting neurodivergent children who previously struggled with behavioral disorders. This unique perspective allows her to bridge the gap between science and real-world application, offering compassionate, evidence-based strategies that empower children to thrive.You can learn more about Devina's credentials, lived experience, and approach here. 

Her book, From Surviving to Thriving: The Art and Science of Guiding Children to Develop Behavioral Regulation available on Amazon here, provides actionable insights for parents, educators, and professionals looking to support children in building essential self-regulation skills. Reviewers praise it for her comprehensive, refreshing and practical, compassionate approach that takes complex psychological concepts and evidence based approach and breaks it down into concepts anyone can understand and apply. Available in eBook, paperbook, and audiobook versions so you can learn the way that works for you!

Devina is an AOTA approved professional development provider and also shares her knowledge through expert-led webinars, where she delivers practical guidance tailored to the needs of caregivers and professionals. Stop by her store here to explore her latest resources, workshops, CEUs and training sessions designed to help children succeed in their behavioral development journey!