Strategies for Helping with Bedtime Meltdowns

Bedtime can be a challenging time for many children, especially those with sensory processing difficulties. The transition from wakefulness to sleepiness can be particularly difficult, leading to meltdowns as the body and mind struggle to calm down. Here’s a neurodivergent-affirming approach to help manage bedtime meltdowns using the ROAR framework: Regulate, Observe, Assist, Revisit.

Understanding Bedtime Meltdowns

Meltdowns are often a response to sensory overload or difficulty transitioning from one state to another. At bedtime, the shift from the stimulating activities of the day to a calm, restful state can be challenging, especially for those with sensory processing difficulties. This can lead to meltdowns as children may feel overwhelmed and unable to calm themselves down.

Meltdowns are an involuntary reaction to nervous system overload, not a behavioral choice. They can happen to anyone, not just children, and can last anywhere from minutes to days, depending on the individual and situation.

Stages of a Meltdown

• Pre-Meltdown: This stage is characterized by a feeling of building pressure. The person may feel tense and have trouble thinking and speaking. This stage can last anywhere from a few minutes to several hours. Helpful strategies to prevent escalation include:
• Identifying and avoiding triggers
• Providing support and clear expectations
• Mid-Meltdown: This is the meltdown itself and may include crying, screaming, or lashing out physically. This stage can also last anywhere from minutes to hours. Strategies to manage this stage include:
• Prioritizing safety
• Co-regulation
• Post-Meltdown: This stage is characterized by exhaustion. The person may feel drained physically and emotionally and may feel ashamed about the meltdown. This stage can last from hours to days. Helpful strategies for this stage include:
• Providing a quiet space to recover
• Offering preferred activities or sensory input
• Debriefing and reflecting to prevent future meltdowns

Regulate

Regulate yourself first. Stay calm and remind yourself that it will be okay. Take some deep breaths. Remember de-escalation techniques such as giving plenty of personal space, validating emotions, limiting verbal directions, not engaging in power struggles, etc. Regulating the environment and activities can help create a calming atmosphere that promotes sleep. Here are some specific strategies to help regulate:

1. Calming Music:
• Calming music options include classical music, nature sounds, or white noise. Marconi Union’s song “Weightless” has been found to reduce anxiety by 65% and to help with sleep so it is a good option for calming music and is available through various platforms including YouTube. 
2. Heavy Work Activities:
• Engage in activities that provide deep pressure input to the muscles and joints, such as pushing a heavy laundry basket, carrying groceries, or using a weighted blanket.
• Encourage activities like wall push-ups, bear hugs, or squeezing stress balls.
3. Slow Linear Vestibular Input:
• Gentle rocking movements can be very calming. Use a rocking chair or gently rock your child back and forth in your arms.
• Try activities like swinging slowly in a hammock or using a therapy ball for slow, controlled movements.
4. Deep Breathing Exercises:
• Teach deep breathing techniques, such as inhaling deeply through the nose, holding for a few seconds, and exhaling slowly through the mouth.
• Use guided meditation apps or videos to help with relaxation.
5. Sensory-Friendly Lighting:
• Use dimmable lights or a nightlight to create a calming environment.
• Consider using a smart bulb that can change colors to soft, warm tones in the evening.
6. Visual Schedules and Timers:
• Use visual schedules to help your child understand and anticipate the bedtime routine.
• Set timers to signal transitions between activities, such as when it's time to put on pajamas or brush teeth.
7. Story Time with Audiobooks:
• Use audiobooks to create a relaxing bedtime routine. Choose calming stories and play them through a smart speaker.
• This can also be a great way to wind down without the stimulation of screens.
8. Gentle Massage:
• Incorporate gentle but firm massage into your child's bedtime routine. This can help relax their muscles, give proprioceptive input, and provide a sense of calm. Too light of strokes can be dysregulating to those who don’t like light touch. 
• Use calming essential oils, such as lavender, to enhance the effect. Another way to incorporate essential oils is through diffusers. I like my essential oil humidifier diffuser as it has calming lights (I like the one that looks like flames)  and I use scents that are calming to me, and serves a dual purpose because the dry air makes it impossible for me to sleep. Use caution with scents as they can be dysregulating for some children.

Observe

Observing your child's behavior and environment can help identify triggers and patterns that lead to meltdowns. Consider the following:

• Sensory Triggers: Are there specific sounds, lights, or textures that seem to cause distress?
• Timing: Does the meltdown happen around the same time every night? Is it connected to any particular activity or event? Take data on the time that meltdowns usually start and then start incorporating nervous system calming activities about half an hour before. These could include calming music, heavy work activities, slow linear vestibular input, etc. Technology can help by providing reminders and playing soothing music or sounds that signal to the brain that it's time to wind down. For example, tell Alexa: "Alexa, set a reminder for every night at 8 pm to play Marconi Union's Weightless (1-hour version)."
• Emotional Factors: Are there any changes or stressors in your child’s life that might be affecting their bedtime routine?

Assist

Assist your child in meeting any unmet needs that may have contributed to the meltdown, such as:

• Fear of the dark: Use a nightlight or leave a hallway light on.
• Hunger or thirst: Offer a small, healthy snack and a drink of water.
• Pain: Check for any signs of discomfort and address them appropriately.
• Need for connection: Offer comfort and reassurance through hugs, cuddles, or calming words.
• Difficulty with fine motor skills or sequencing: Help with tasks like buttoning pajamas or brushing teeth. Break down the bedtime routine into smaller, manageable steps and provide clear instructions.

Revisit

Revisiting the bedtime routine regularly can help ensure it continues to meet your child's needs. Reflect on what's working and what might need adjustment:

• Evaluate Effectiveness: Are the strategies helping to reduce meltdowns? Are there any new triggers or patterns emerging?
• Adjust as Needed: Modify the routine based on your observations and your child's changing needs.
• Celebrate Successes: Acknowledge and celebrate the progress and improvements in your child's bedtime routine.

About Devina: Devina is an autistic occupational therapist with over 17 years of experience working with children, specializing in behavioral regulation and neurodivergence. As both a clinician and a parent, she combines professional expertise with personal experience raising neurodivergent children who previously struggled with behavioral disorders. This unique perspective allows her to bridge the gap between science and real-world application, offering compassionate, evidence-based strategies that empower children to thrive.

Her book, From Surviving to Thriving: The Art and Science of Guiding Children to Develop Behavioral Regulation, provides actionable insights for parents, educators, and professionals looking to support children in building essential self-regulation skills. Available in multiple formats you can find it on Amazon. 

Devina also shares her knowledge through expert-led webinars, where she delivers practical guidance tailored to the needs of caregivers and professionals. Stop by her store to explore her latest resources, workshops, and training sessions designed to help children succeed in their behavioral development journey!