Beat Bedtime Battles: Why Bedtime Is So Hard and How to Make Bedtime Easier for Kids of All Ages
Aug 31, 2025Does your child get fighting mad when it is time to go to bed? If so, you are not alone. For many kids, the shift from play to sleep is not just a relaxing bedtime routine or as simple as deciding it is time to sleep. It is a full-body transition that is jarring and often fought with tears, meltdowns, and stalling while they continue to run circles around you because you are too tired to chase them. When their nervous system is still in high gear, asking them to settle down can feel like asking a car going 80 miles per hour to stop instantly.
Most parents want to know how to make bedtime easier, and establishing a relaxing bedtime routine for preschoolers, ADHD, sensory seeking, or autistic kids can be especially challenging. In my job as a pediatric occupational therapist, a common question I get is how to calm a sensory seeker at bedtime. We often think of bedtime as the time to quiet everything. But for kids with a lot of energy, ADHD, autistic kids, sensory differences, or trauma histories, quiet does not come first. It comes last.
Bedtime is not just a routine. It is a nervous system transition. When we understand what a child’s body is experiencing, we can shift from battling bedtime to supporting it with connection, regulation, and predictable steps that help their brain and body slow down.
Author: Devina King, Occupational Therapist and Certified Autism and ADHD Specialist. Last updated: 01/04/2026
Table of contents
- Why bedtime is so hard
- The sleep dysregulation cycle
- The missing step arousal transitions
- Common bedtime behavior problems
- Age-by-age bedtime strategies
- Bedtime strategies for neurodivergent kids
- Tools that help
- FAQ
Why bedtime is so hard
Bedtime is difficult for many children because their nervous system cannot shift quickly from high arousal to low arousal. When a child is still buzzing with energy, asking them to settle instantly can feel impossible.
When bedtime feels like a struggle night after night, it is easy to assume your child is being difficult on purpose. But most bedtime battles are not about willpower or misbehavior. They are about a nervous system that is having a hard time shifting gears.
A child who is bouncing around the room at 8 p.m. may not be ignoring you. Their body may still be in high arousal mode and unable to slow down without support.
Throughout the day, your child’s level of arousal shifts. Sometimes the “volume dial” is turned up high when they are excited, playful, or overstimulated. Other times it is turned down low when they are relaxed or sleepy. Bedtime routines often ask children to go straight from high arousal to low arousal, but for many kids this jump is too big.
Children with ADHD, autism, anxiety, sensory processing differences, or trauma histories may find this transition especially hard. Their nervous systems are often already working overtime to process information, manage emotions, and feel safe. By the time bedtime arrives, they are not just tired. They are wired, overloaded, or on alert.
What to do next
- Expect a gradual shift, not an instant one
- Use sensory-informed steps to help the body slow down
- Focus on connection before correction
Takeaway Understanding that bedtime resistance is often dysregulation helps you respond with compassion instead of frustration.
Why it feels like defiance when it is actually dysregulation
A child refusing pajamas, running away during toothbrushing, or melting down at lights-out can look like defiance. It often feels personal, especially at the end of a long day.
In reality, these behaviors are often signs that the nervous system is overwhelmed. A child who suddenly becomes silly or loud may be showing signs of being overtired rather than energized. A child who clings tightly at bedtime may be seeking safety before separation.
Helpful script
“It feels hard to stop playing. I will help your body get ready step by step.”
Scripts reduce uncertainty, offer co-regulation, and help children feel understood instead of judged.
Takeaway Seeing bedtime behavior as communication helps you respond in ways that support regulation.
How to make bedtime easier
A relaxing bedtime routine helps children transition from high energy to calm by using predictable steps, sensory regulation, and emotional connection.
Start with movement, shift to deep pressure or rhythm, and end with quiet rituals. This approach supports preschoolers, teens, and neurodivergent children with ADHD and autism.
What helps most
- Add a medium arousal step such as wall pushes or slow marching
- Dim lights earlier to signal the shift toward rest
- Use a visual schedule to reduce uncertainty
- Use simple scripts like “First pajamas, then story”
Children settle more easily when their body is guided through predictable, sensory-informed steps rather than being asked to calm instantly.
Takeaway Small, predictable steps make bedtime easier by helping your child’s body shift gradually toward rest.
Caregiver scripts that help
Scripts give you language that supports connection and regulation. They help children feel safe, understood, and guided rather than corrected.
- “Your body still feels fast. Let’s help it slow down together.”
- “It feels hard to stop playing. I will help your body get ready step by step.”
When to use scripts
- During transitions
- When your child becomes silly or loud
- When your child resists steps in the routine
- When your child needs reassurance
Scripts reduce power struggles, support co-regulation, and help children shift from emotional overwhelm to connection.
Takeaway Simple, validating scripts help your child feel understood and supported during bedtime transitions.
The sleep dysregulation cycle
The sleep dysregulation cycle is a pattern where a child enters sleep dysregulated, sleeps poorly, wakes dysregulated, and then struggles even more at bedtime the next night.
If bedtime has felt harder and harder over time, your child may be stuck in this cycle. Even when you are doing everything “right,” their nervous system may not be getting the reset it needs.
What this looks like
- Harder bedtimes each night
- Frequent night wakings
- Early morning waking
- Daytime meltdowns or irritability. You can learn more about the three stages of meltdowns and a 4 step framework for responding to any meltdown applied to bedtime meltdowns here.
Takeaway Recognizing the sleep dysregulation cycle helps you identify patterns and make targeted changes.
What the cycle is
The sleep dysregulation cycle happens when a child’s nervous system becomes increasingly dysregulated because of stressful bedtimes, poor-quality sleep, and unmet sensory or emotional needs.
A child who goes to bed anxious or overstimulated may wake frequently or too early. This leads to daytime dysregulation and increased bedtime resistance the next night.
Without support, the cycle repeats and intensifies.
Takeaway The cycle continues until the child receives support that helps their nervous system settle before sleep.
Signs your child might be stuck
Common signs
- Waking up cranky or dysregulated
- Meltdowns during homework or evening transitions
- Increasing bedtime resistance
- Appearing wired but tired
These signs often reflect that the nervous system never fully settled the night before.
Takeaway Daytime struggles often reflect nighttime dysregulation.
How to break the cycle
What helps most
- Add a medium arousal step to bridge active play and quiet time
- Repair bedtime trust with a predictable “special moment”
- Keep steps consistent so the nervous system knows what to expect
Helpful script
“I will help your body feel safe so sleep can come easier.”
Consistency and connection help the nervous system shift out of survival mode and into rest mode.
Takeaway Consistency and connection help reset the sleep cycle over time.
The missing step arousal transitions
Arousal transitions are the gradual shifts a child’s body needs to move from high energy to calm. Most bedtime routines skip these steps, making bedtime harder.
Children cannot jump from high arousal to low arousal instantly. They need structured, sensory-informed steps to help their body slow down.
Takeaway Guiding your child through high, medium, and low arousal steps makes bedtime smoother and more predictable.
High arousal
High arousal activities help release excess energy in a controlled way.
Examples
- Jumping jacks race
- Animal walks race to the bathroom
- Jumping on a trampoline to upbeat music
A child who is running wildly may calm more easily after a few minutes of structured movement.
Takeaway Short bursts of structured movement help release excess energy before calming activities.
Medium arousal
Medium arousal activities help the body shift from active to calm.
Examples
- Wall pushes
- Slow marching
- Deep pressure squeezes
- Jumping on trampoline to slower song
Predictable, rhythmic input helps the nervous system settle.
Takeaway Medium arousal activities help your child’s body shift from active to calm in a manageable way.
Low arousal
Low arousal activities help the body feel safe enough to rest.
Examples
- Dim lights
- Soft music or white noise
- Reading a calming story
- "Slow races"
- Snuggling under a weighted blanket (if appropriate)
These cues signal to the nervous system that it is time to rest.
Takeaway Low arousal activities signal to your child’s body that it is time to rest.
Relaxing bedtime routine ideas
A sample step-by-step relaxing bedtime routine:
- Set out items needed for next day
- A wind down playlist. You can learn how to use technology to help automate state transitions including creating a wind down playlist with songs proven to help sleep and reduce anxiety here.
- Dimming lights 30 minutes before bed
- Arousal transitions sensory activities
- A warm bath and brush teeth
- Lavender-scented lotion if tolerated
- Quiet drawing, a bedtime story, or soft music in bed
- Gentle back rubs or rhythmic tapping
These activities help your child feel grounded, safe, and ready for rest.
Takeaway A relaxing bedtime routine uses calming sensory input to help your child unwind.
Common bedtime behavior problems
Children communicate through behavior. When we understand what their behavior is telling us, we can respond with compassion and support instead of frustration.
Common patterns
- Stalling may signal a need for connection
- Refusing pajamas may reflect sensory discomfort
- Getting out of bed may reflect unmet sensory or emotional needs
Behavior meanings and supports
| Behavior | What it might mean | How to support |
|---|---|---|
| Stalling or delaying | Seeking connection or resisting separation | Offer a “last connection ritual” such as a 30-second hug countdown |
| Tantrums during the routine | Overstimulation or transition difficulty | Use a visual schedule so they can see what comes next |
| Refusing pajamas | Sensory discomfort | Offer two soft options and let them choose |
| Getting out of bed repeatedly | Unmet sensory needs or anxiety | Add a medium arousal step before lights-out |
Takeaway Understanding the meaning behind bedtime behaviors helps you choose supportive responses.
Age-by-age bedtime strategies
Each age brings different developmental needs, and understanding these differences helps you support your child’s nervous system more effectively. A bedtime routine for preschoolers looks different from a bedtime routine for teens, and both differ from what infants or school-age children need.
When the routine matches your child’s developmental stage, bedtime becomes smoother, safer, and more predictable. These strategies help you choose the right supports for your child’s age and nervous system.
Quick wins
- Match the routine to your child’s developmental stage
- Use visual supports for younger children
- Use collaboration and autonomy for older children
- Shift from high energy to calm using sensory-informed steps
Common mistakes to avoid
- Expecting all ages to follow the same routine
- Skipping the medium arousal step before calming activities
- Adding too many steps or choices
Takeaway Tailoring bedtime routines to your child’s age supports smoother transitions and better sleep.
Infants 0 to 12 months
Infants rely almost entirely on caregivers to regulate their nervous system. They cannot shift from alert to sleepy on their own, and small changes in timing or stimulation can make bedtime harder.
Watching for early sleep cues such as eye rubbing, zoning out, or turning away helps you respond before your baby becomes overtired. A simple, predictable routine such as a diaper change, a short song, and gentle rocking helps their body anticipate sleep.
White noise mimics the womb environment and can be soothing. Swaddling or a sleep sack can provide calming deep pressure and help infants feel secure.
What this age needs most
- Predictable sensory cues
- Short, simple routines
- Calming, rhythmic input
- Caregiver co-regulation
Quick wins
- Respond to early sleep cues before overtiredness sets in
- Use white noise to create a predictable sensory environment
- Keep routines short and consistent
Common mistakes to avoid
- Waiting too long to start the routine
- Overstimulating infants with too many steps or bright lights
Infants feel safest when routines are simple, predictable, and sensory-informed. These cues help their nervous system shift gradually toward rest.
Takeaway Simple, predictable steps help infants feel secure and ready for sleep.
Toddlers 1 to 3 years
Toddlers crave predictability and control. Bedtime can feel like a loss of autonomy, especially when they are tired or overstimulated.
A three to five step routine with pictures helps them understand what comes next. Offering limited choices such as “Do you want the blue pajamas or the green ones” gives them a sense of autonomy. A transitional object like a stuffed animal can help with separation anxiety.
Helpful script
“You do not have to feel sleepy yet. I will help your body get ready step by step.”
Quick wins
- Use a visual routine chart
- Offer two choices to increase cooperation
- Use a consistent goodnight script
Common mistakes to avoid
- Giving too many choices
- Changing the routine too often
Takeaway Predictable routines and simple choices help toddlers feel more in control at bedtime.
Preschoolers 3 to 5 years
Preschoolers often have big feelings, active imaginations, and nighttime worries. Their nervous system may still be in “play mode” long after bedtime begins.
A visual routine chart they can check off helps them feel more in control. Sensory activities like animal walks or wall pushes help their body release energy before calming down. Tools like a “worry box” or “nighttime helper light” can reduce fears.
Helpful script
“Your body feels busy right now. Let’s help it slow down together.”
Quick wins
- Use a visual checklist they can mark off
- Add a medium arousal step like wall pushes
- Use a worry box to contain nighttime fears
Common mistakes to avoid
- Skipping sensory input before calming activities
- Turning off lights too suddenly
Takeaway Visual supports and sensory activities help preschoolers manage big feelings at bedtime.
Bedtime routine for preschoolers
A bedtime routine for preschoolers works best when it is predictable, visual, and calming.
A warm bath, choosing pajamas, brushing teeth with a visual timer, reading a calming story, and using a nightlight. A predictable script such as “First pajamas, then story, then lights out” helps reduce uncertainty.
Quick wins
- Use a visual timer for toothbrushing
- Offer a predictable script for transitions
- Choose calming stories with rhythmic language
Takeaway A bedtime routine for preschoolers works best when it is predictable, visual, and calming.
School-age kids 6 to 12 years
School-age children often carry emotional and sensory load from the day. Homework, social dynamics, and overstimulation can make it hard to shift into rest mode.
Gentle screen boundaries 30 to 60 minutes before bed help their brain shift toward rest. Calming skills such as journaling, soft music, or body scans help them unwind. Collaboration increases buy-in.
Helpful script
“Your day was full. Let’s help your body slow down so it can rest.”
Quick wins
- Use a consistent screen cutoff time
- Teach calming skills like body scans
- Invite collaboration to increase buy-in
Common mistakes to avoid
- Letting screens run too close to bedtime
- Skipping decompression time after school
Takeaway Predictable routines and calming tools help school-age children settle more easily at bedtime.
Teens 13 to 18 years
Teens need autonomy and respect. Their nervous system may be overstimulated from homework, social interactions, or screens. Many also experience late-night anxiety.
Co-creating a realistic bedtime routine helps them feel ownership. Calming activities like stretching, dim lighting, or warm showers help their body shift toward rest.
Helpful script
“Let’s build a routine that works for your body and your schedule.”
Quick wins
- Invite teens to co-create their routine
- Use soft lighting to signal wind-down time
- Encourage grounding exercises for anxiety
Common mistakes to avoid
- Imposing routines without collaboration
- Expecting teens to fall asleep immediately after homework
Takeaway Collaboration and autonomy help teens build a bedtime routine they can actually follow.
Bedtime routine for teens
A teen bedtime routine works best when it balances independence with gentle structure.
A consistent wind-down time, screen cutoff, soft lighting, and a calming activity such as reading, drawing, or listening to music. A short transition period helps them shift from homework or socializing to quiet time.
Quick wins
- Use a 20 to 30 minute wind-down window
- Encourage calming activities they choose
- Use grounding exercises for anxious teens
Takeaway A bedtime routine for teens works best when it balances independence with gentle structure.
Bedtime strategies for neurodivergent kids
Neurodivergent children often process sensory input differently and may need more support with state transitions. Traditional routines may not meet their sensory or emotional needs.
A neurodiversity-affirming approach that focuses on regulation, safety, and collaboration. Predictable sequences, sensory-informed steps, and co-regulation help their nervous system feel safe enough to rest.
Quick wins
- Use sensory-informed steps instead of traditional routines
- Offer predictable sequences and visual supports
- Use co-regulation before expecting self-regulation
Takeaway Neurodivergent children sleep better when routines honor their sensory and emotional needs.
ADHD and sleep issues
Children with ADHD often struggle with racing thoughts, difficulty shifting from preferred activities, and delayed sleep onset. Their body may still be in motion long after bedtime begins.
Movement-based wind-downs, visual timers, and white noise help reduce internal distractions and support regulation.
Helpful script
“Your body still feels fast. Let’s help it slow down together.”
Quick wins
- Add movement-based wind-downs like slow jumping jacks
- Use visual timers to reduce uncertainty
- Use white noise to quiet internal distractions
Common mistakes to avoid
- Expecting immediate calm without movement
- Changing the routine frequently
Takeaway ADHD-friendly routines work best when they include movement, predictability, and calming sensory input.
Autism and sleep issues
Autistic children often experience sensory sensitivities, differences in melatonin production, and heightened anxiety around transitions.
Visual schedules, deep pressure input (if tolerated), and low-stimulation environments help autistic children feel safe enough to rest.
Helpful script
“I see that this feels different for your body. I will help you feel safe.”
Quick wins
- Use visual schedules and social stories
- Use deep pressure input if tolerated
- Reduce sensory overload in the bedroom
Common mistakes to avoid
- Ignoring sensory discomfort with clothing or bedding
- Changing the routine without warning
Takeaway Autistic children sleep better when routines are predictable, sensory-informed, and calming.
Sensory processing differences
Sensory seekers and sensory avoiders may both struggle at bedtime, but for different reasons. Their bodies may crave input or avoid it.
What helps most
- Heavy work for sensory seekers
- Soft, non-irritating fabrics for sensory avoiders
- Gradual transitions through arousal states
Common mistakes to avoid
- Expecting sensory seekers to calm without movement
- Using scratchy or tight clothing for sensory avoiders
Takeaway Matching sensory supports to your child’s needs helps their body feel comfortable enough to rest.
Tools that help
Having concrete tools makes it easier to turn these ideas into real-life support. Visual, predictable, and sensory-informed tools help children feel safe and supported during bedtime transitions.
Quick wins
- Use visual schedules to reduce uncertainty
- Use sensory menus to support regulation
- Use scripts to support co-regulation
Takeaway The right tools make it easier to support your child’s bedtime regulation.
A free tool to help: Bedtime Support Plan For Sensory Seeking Children
To make this easier, I created a Bedtime Support Plan For Sensory Seeking Children. It’s a set of printable sensory diet visual menu cards including a variety of high arousal, medium arousal, and low arousal activities so you and you child can create a customized sensory wind down plan night after night.
It’s flexible, regulation-first, and emotionally literate. You can use it to build a bedtime routine that actually works for your child’s body and brain.
If your child is running around the house at bedtime, the plan helps you choose high arousal activities that release energy. If your child is clingy or tearful, the plan helps you choose medium arousal activities that provide grounding and connection.
Download the Bedtime Support Plan For Sensory Seeking Children.
Takeaway A structured sensory plan helps you respond to your child’s needs in the moment.
Regulation-First Bedtime Toolkit
A comprehensive toolkit designed to make bedtime easier using regulation-first, sensory-informed strategies.
What’s included for only $9:
- Bedtime Support Plan For Sensory Seeking Children It’s a set of printable sensory diet visual menu cards including a variety of high arousal, medium arousal, and low arousal activities so you and you child can create a customized sensory wind down plan night after night.
- Customizable visual bedtime schedule
- Daily Routines Quick Win Mini Toolkit
- Behavior Strategy Charts with common behavior concerns, reasons behind the behavior, and actionable strategies for morning, bedtime, and homework routines.
- Daily RoutinesTop 10 Wins Checklists for morning, bedtime, and homework routines.
- What Would Help Me Right Now Visual Menu Regulation support menu with visual icons for quick, kid-friendly choices with sensory supports for seekers and avoiders, executive function supports for planning, initiation, and focus, and interoception supports to recognize body signals. Caregiver prompts and cues for calm, supportive responses. ROAR framework visual on the back for when things start to escalate.
- A caregiver cheat sheet for bedtime dysregulation.
- Emotionally literate scripts for co-regulation at bedtime.
- Individual comprehensive guides for common bedtime problems such as helping babies and toddlers sleep, helping children sleep in their own beds, bedtime sensory diets, nighttime anxiety, teenage sleep, eloping, night waking, bedtime meltdowns, bedwetting, and more.
Takeaway A comprehensive toolkit gives you ready-made supports for the most common bedtime challenges.
The ABCs of Feelings: Sensory Solutions for Every Feeling
A calming bedtime storybook that uses rhythmic language and sensory-informed strategies to support emotional regulation.
Many families use the audiobook as their final bedtime step because the predictable rhythm helps children shift into a calmer state. Stories before bed help teach emotional regulation because what children hear right before sleep is often remembered.
The ABCs of Feelings: Sensory Solutions for Every Feeling available on Amazon here
Takeaway Calming stories help children settle emotionally before sleep.
Technology supports
When used intentionally, technology can support regulation rather than disrupt it.
Helpful tools
- Calming music playlists to help the body shift into a slower rhythm
- Visual timers for children who struggle with transitions
- White noise apps to reduce distracting background sounds
- Sleep tracking tools for older children and teens, used collaboratively
These tools reduce uncertainty, support sensory needs, and help children feel more grounded during bedtime transitions.
Takeaway Thoughtful use of technology can support smoother bedtime transitions.
FAQs
Why does my child fight bedtime so hard?
For many children, bedtime is not just a routine but a full body transition. Their nervous system may still be in high gear, making it feel impossible to stop instantly. When we see this as dysregulation instead of defiance, we can shift from control to connection and support.
What is the best bedtime routine for preschoolers?
The best bedtime routine for preschoolers is predictable, visual, and calming. It might include a warm bath, choosing pajamas, brushing teeth with a visual timer, reading a calming story, and using a nightlight. Preschoolers benefit from routines that help them feel safe and in control.
How do I create a relaxing bedtime routine?
A relaxing bedtime routine uses calming sensory input such as dim lighting, soft music, gentle movement, or a warm bath. The goal is to help your child’s body shift gradually from high energy to calm. Choose activities that help your child feel grounded and safe.
What helps with ADHD and sleep issues?
Children with ADHD often need movement-based wind-downs, visual timers, and calming sensory input. Predictable routines and reduced screen time before bed can also help. Many children benefit from a consistent sequence of steps that guide their body toward rest.
What helps with autism and sleep issues?
Autistic children benefit from visual schedules, sensory-informed routines, deep pressure input if tolerated, and predictable steps. Reducing sensory overload in the bedroom can also help them feel safe enough to rest.
What is a good bedtime routine for teens?
A good bedtime routine for teens balances independence with gentle structure. It might include dimming lights, turning off stimulating screens, stretching, journaling, or listening to calming music. Teens often benefit from choosing their own calming activities.
Why is my child hyper before bed even when they are tired?
Many children look the most energetic right before they crash. Hyperactivity before bed is often a sign of being overtired or under-regulated rather than proof that they are not tired. Adding a medium arousal phase and more regulation support earlier in the evening can help.
Should I use melatonin for my child?
Melatonin should only be used under the guidance of a medical professional who knows your child’s history, medications, and overall health.
What if my child wakes up in the middle of the night?
Night wakings are common, especially for children who are anxious, sensory sensitive, or already dysregulated. Focus first on helping their body feel safe and settled, then guide them back through a shortened version of your bedtime routine.
Can screen time affect bedtime?
Screens can delay melatonin release, increase arousal, and make it harder for the brain to shift toward sleep. Whenever possible, build in a buffer between screen use and bedtime.
How do I get both of my kids to follow the same bedtime routine?
You can use one shared structure with individualized supports. For example, both children might follow the same overall steps, but one has extra sensory input and the other has extra time for talking or reading.
What if my child refuses every part of the routine?
When a child refuses the routine, it is often a sign that bedtime has become associated with stress or feeling misunderstood. Start small by choosing one or two anchor steps, focus on connection, and use co-regulation scripts that validate their feelings.
How do I know if my child’s sleep issues are serious?
If your child’s sleep issues are persistent, worsening, affecting their daytime functioning, or causing concern for you, it is important to speak with a pediatrician or a sleep specialist.
About Devina King, B.A. Psy, MSOTR/L, ASDCS, ADHD-RSP
Devina is an autistic occupational therapist, parenting coach, author, and credentialed autism and ADHD specialist with over 17 years of experience working with children, specializing in behavioral regulation and neurodivergence. As both a clinician and a parent, she combines professional expertise with personal experience parenting neurodivergent children who previously struggled with behavioral disorders. This unique perspective allows her to bridge the gap between science and real-world application, offering compassionate, evidence-based behavior treatment strategies that empower children to thrive.
You can learn more about Devina's credentials, lived experience, and approach here.
Publications
Devina has written many books. Her book From Surviving to Thriving The Art and Science of Guiding Children to Develop Behavioral Regulation available on Amazon here, provides actionable insights for parents, educators, and professionals looking to support children in building essential self-regulation skills. Devina is an AOTA approved professional development provider. Reviewers praise her works for her comprehensive, refreshing and practical, compassionate approach that takes complex psychological concepts and evidence based approach and breaks it down into concepts anyone can understand and apply. Devina has been included in publications such as this article in Psychologist Brief available here and this article in Doctors Magazine available here. Stop by her store here to explore her latest resources, workshops, CEUs and parent coaching sessions designed to help children succeed in their behavioral development journey!
