Why Bedtime Is So Hard-and What Actually Helps

Does your child get fighting mad when it is time to go to bed? If so, you're not alone. 

For many kids, the shift from play to sleep isn’t just a relaxing bedtime routine or as simple as deciding it is time to sleep. It’s a full-body transition that is jarring and fought with tears, meltdowns, and stalling while they continue to run circles around you because you're too tired to chase them! When their nervous system is still in high gear, asking them to settle down can feel like asking a car going 80 miles per hour to stop instantly.

We often think of bedtime as the time to quiet everything. But for kids with a lot of energy, ADHD, autistic kids, sensory differences, or trauma histories, quiet doesn’t come first. It comes last.

The Missing Step: Arousal Transitions

Most bedtime routines skip straight to low arousal: dim lights, soft voices, quiet time. But if a child’s body is still buzzing with energy or anxiety, that leap is too far.

Instead, we need to guide them through three stages:

• High arousal: Movement, intensity, play
• Medium arousal: Rhythm, deep pressure, predictable patterns
• Low arousal: Emotional closeness, quiet rituals, safety cues. The ABCs of Feelings: Sensory Solutions for Every Feeling makes a great bedtime story, it has a calming rhythm and teaches children sensory regulation tools at the same time. 

This isn’t about doing more. It’s about doing what works. When we meet a child’s nervous system where it is, we stop fighting it. Bedtime becomes less about control and more about connection.

You can learn how to use technology to help with state transitions (between wakefulness and sleep and sleep and wakefulness) here and more strategies to help prevent or respond to bedtime meltdowns here.

A Free Tool to Help

To make this easier, I created a Bedtime Support Plan For Sensory Seeking Children. It’s a printable guide that helps you choose activities that match your child’s current state and gently support them toward rest.

It’s flexible, regulation-first, and emotionally literate. You can use it to build a bedtime routine that actually works for your child’s body and brain.

Download the Bedtime Support Plan For Sensory Seeking Children.

If you’re an occupational therapist supporting neurodivergent children who struggle with state transitions to sleep check out my AOTA approved sleep CEU.

Want More Support?

If you’re ready to go deeper, I’ve created a low-cost digital companion called the Regulation-First Bedtime Toolkit. It’s just $9 and includes:

• A customizable sensory diet bedtime routine visual schedule 
• A caregiver cheat sheet for bedtime dysregulation
• Emotionally literate scripts for co-regulation
• Guides for common bedtime problems such as helping children sleep in their own beds, helping babies and toddlers sleep, bedtime sensory diets, nighttime anxiety, eloping, night waking, bedtime meltdowns, bedwetting, and more. 

Get the Toolkit here.

You’re not doing bedtime wrong. You’re navigating a nervous system that needs support, not shame. And you’re doing it with love, even when it’s hard.

About Devina: Devina is an autistic occupational therapist with over 17 years of experience working with children, specializing in behavioral regulation and neurodivergence. As both a clinician and a parent, she combines professional expertise with personal experience raising neurodivergent children who previously struggled with behavioral disorders. This unique perspective allows her to bridge the gap between science and real-world application, offering compassionate, evidence-based strategies that empower children to thrive.

Her book, From Surviving to Thriving: The Art and Science of Guiding Children to Develop Behavioral Regulation, provides actionable insights for parents, educators, and professionals looking to support children in building essential self-regulation skills. Available in multiple formats you can find it on Amazon. 

Devina also shares her knowledge through expert-led webinars, where she delivers practical guidance tailored to the needs of caregivers and professionals. Stop by her store to explore her latest resources, workshops, and training sessions designed to help children succeed in their behavioral development journey!