The ABCs Of Behavior Coaching: Guiding Behavior In Early Childhood Through Teens

Every parent, teacher, or caregiver has had moments where they wonder if they are “managing” behavior the right way. The truth is, children do not need management. They need guidance. This article explores how adults can act as coaches, helping kids build behavioral regulation skills that last a lifetime.

Author: Devina King, Occupational Therapist and Certified Autism and ADHD Specialist Last updated: 12/03/2025

Table of contents

• What is behavioral regulation and why itmatters
• Why I chose “Guiding Children To Develop Behavioral Regulation” (not “Behavior Management”)
• Parenting styles: The foundation of behavior coaching
• Why compliance based methods can be especially harmful for neurodivergent children
• The ABCs of behavior coaching
• Awareness and assessment
• Boundaries and building
• Connection and collaboration
• FAQ

What is behavioral regulation and why it matters

All significant adults in a child’s life—parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, therapists—serve as behavioral coaches, whether they realize it or not. Every interaction is an opportunity to model, teach, and support behavioral regulation.

• Behavioral regulation is the ability to manage emotions, impulses, and actions in ways that are socially appropriate and aligned with personal and relational goals.
• It is a developmental process, not a fixed trait. Children are not born with regulation skills. They learn them through co regulation, modeling, and practice over time.
• Compliance based methods focus on external control, obedience, and short term behavior suppression.
• Behavior coaching focuses on internal skill building, emotional literacy, and long term growth.

Strategies:

• Early childhood: Use simple breathing games, sensory play, and predictable routines to scaffold regulation.
• Middle childhood: Encourage journaling, role play problem solving, and peer collaboration to practice regulation.
• Adolescence: Support reflection through guided conversations, encourage mindfulness apps, and model healthy coping strategies.

Takeaway Every interaction is an opportunity to coach regulation, not just manage behavior.

Why I chose “Guiding Children To Develop Behavioral Regulation” (not “Behavior Management”)

Language matters. It shapes how we see children and how we respond to them. When we shift our language, we shift our mindset, and that changes everything.

• The term “behavior management” implies control, suppression, and adult centered authority.
• “Guiding” reflects a relational, respectful, and developmental approach. The adult acts as a coach, not a controller.
• “Behavioral regulation” is the true goal. We are not just trying to stop behaviors. We are helping children build the capacity to regulate themselves.

Strategies:

• Replace phrases like “Stop that” with “Let’s figure out what your body needs.”
• Use collaborative scripts: “I see you’re upset. Do you want to take space or talk it through?”
• Frame challenges as skill building opportunities rather than misbehavior.
• Narrate your own regulation: “I’m frustrated, so I’m going to take a deep breath before I answer.”

Takeaway Guiding children builds capacity, not compliance.

Parenting styles: The foundation of behavior coaching

Parents and caregivers bring their own style to coaching. Understanding these styles helps us reflect on how we show up.

• Authoritarian: High control, low warmth. Emphasizes obedience and punishment. Often results in fear based compliance or rebellion.
• Permissive: High warmth, low control. Prioritizes connection but lacks boundaries. Can lead to difficulty with limits and accountability.
• Authoritative: High warmth, high expectations. Balances empathy with structure. Encourages independence, emotional intelligence, and responsibility.

Why authoritative parenting matters:

• It is the most evidence based approach for raising emotionally intelligent, resilient, and socially responsible children.
• It aligns with behavior coaching: firm and kind, structured and supportive.

Strategies:

• Hold family meetings to set routines and rules collaboratively.
• Encourage children to voice opinions while maintaining clear expectations.
• Use natural consequences instead of punitive measures.
• Balance empathy with structure: “I know you’re tired, but homework still needs to be finished. Let’s break it into smaller steps.”

Takeaway Authoritative parenting aligns best with behavior coaching. Firm and kind, structured and supportive.

Why compliance based methods can be especially harmful for neurodivergent children

Neurodivergent children—including those with ADHD, autism, sensory processing differences, or PDA—often experience the world differently. Compliance based methods can be especially damaging for them.

• What looks like defiance may be nervous system distress.
• Demands can trigger fight, flight, or freeze responses.
• Constant correction can lead to shame, masking, and long term anxiety or burnout.
• Reframe the question: Instead of “How can I control my child with ADHD?” ask “How can I support my child in developing self regulation and confidence?”

Strategies:

• Use sensory accommodations like noise reducing headphones, soft seating, or visual schedules.
• Offer choices to reduce demand avoidance.
• Validate emotions with scripts: “I see this feels hard. Let’s pause together.”
• Collaborate on coping plans before stressful events.
• Honor refusals when possible and offer alternatives.
• Build trust by repairing ruptures quickly and consistently.

Takeaway Compliance harms neurodivergent children. Coaching builds trust and authentic regulation.

The ABCs Of behavior coaching

Awareness and assessment

Curiosity over judgment helps uncover root causes. For a deeper look at how to assess and teach behavioral regulation step-by-step, see From Surviving to Thriving: The Art and Science of Guiding Children to Develop Behavioral Regulation available on Amazon here and the accompanying course Understanding and Assessing Behavioral Regulation in Children available here because effective behavior treatment starts with effective behavior assessment to determine causes of behavioral challenges. 

ABCEES Framework

A tool I developed and first introduced in From Surviving to Thriving: The Art and Science of Guiding Children to Develop Behavioral Regulation.

The ABCEES Framework helps parents and caregivers look beneath the surface of behavior. Instead of asking “How do I stop this?” it invites curiosity: “What is driving this behavior, and how can I support regulation?” By breaking behavior into six parts—Antecedents, Behavior, Consequences, Emotions, Environment, and Skills—you can identify root causes and respond with empathy and strategy rather than judgment. 

Antecedents

Antecedents are the triggers or events that happen before a behavior. They set the stage for how a child responds.

• Early childhood: Tantrums may follow transitions (leaving the park, ending playtime). Use countdowns, first/then boards, or songs to prepare.
• Middle childhood: Frustration may occur before math homework. Preview expectations and break tasks into smaller steps.
• Adolescence: Conflict may arise before exams or social events. Collaboratively plan coping strategies like study schedules or quiet time.

Parent tip: Keep a simple log of “what happened before” to notice patterns.

Behavior

Behavior is the observable action a child takes. It is communication, not defiance.

• Early childhood: Crying, hitting, or hiding may signal overwhelm.
• Middle childhood: Rolling eyes, refusing tasks, or arguing may reflect frustration.
• Adolescence: Withdrawing, slamming doors, or shutting down may show stress.

Parent tip: Describe behavior neutrally (“You threw the toy”) instead of labeling (“You’re bad”).

Consequences

Consequences are what happens after the behavior—both natural outcomes and adult responses.

• Early Childhood: Throwing food means less food to eat. Offer calm cleanup support.
• Middle Childhood: Refusing homework may lead to missing recess. Collaborate on a plan to catch up.
• Adolescence: Ignoring curfew may result in missed social opportunities due to loss of trust and yourneed as a parent to ensure your teen's safety. Discuss natural impacts rather than punish.

Parent tip: Focus on natural consequences and collaborative repair instead of imposed punishments.

Emotions

Emotions drive behavior. Naming and validating them builds trust and emotional literacy.

• Early childhood: “You’re mad because we had to leave the park. That’s hard.”
• Middle childhood: “It makes sense you’re frustrated—math has been tricky.”
• Adolescence: “I hear that you’re overwhelmed. Do you want to talk or take space first?”

Parent tip: Separate the feeling from the action. All feelings are valid; not all actions are safe.

Environment

Environment includes physical and social factors that influence behavior.

• Early childhood: Loud noises or crowded spaces may trigger meltdowns. Adjust lighting, noise, or seating.
• Middle childhood: Classroom structure or peer dynamics may affect regulation. Preview changes and provide sensory breaks.
• Adolescence: Social media, peer pressure, or family stress may impact behavior. Create safe spaces and predictable routines.

Parent tip: Ask, “What in the environment might be making this harder?” before assuming defiance.

Skills

Skills are the regulation tools a child has—or has not yet developed. Gaps often underlie challenging behavior.

• Early childhood: Teach calming strategies like deep breathing, sensory play, or using words to ask for help.
• Middle childhood: Practice conflict resolution, flexible thinking, and problem solving.
• Adolescence: Teach time management, emotional regulation, and assertive communication.

Parent tip: Treat behavior challenges as skill gaps, not character flaws. Ask, “What skill does my child need here?”

Why ABCEES Matters

This framework encourages curiosity over judgment. Instead of punishing or labeling, parents can identify root causes and respond with strategies that build regulation. It shifts the focus from “fixing behavior” to mentoring development.

Takeaway Awareness builds insight and prevents mislabeling behavior.

Boundaries and building

Boundaries provide safety, but skill building is the heart of coaching.

Build skills Behavior is communication. Skill gaps often underlie challenging behavior.

• Early childhood: Teach calming strategies like deep breathing or sensory play.
• Middle childhood: Practice conflict resolution and flexible thinking.
• Adolescence: Teach time management, emotional regulation, and assertive communication.

Balance boundaries Boundaries provide safety and structure, but must be developmentally appropriate.

• Early childhood: “You can jump on the mat, not the couch.”
• Middle childhood: “You can do homework before or after dinner, but it needs to be done.”
• Adolescence: “Let’s agree on screen time limits that feel fair to both of us.”

Be consistent Consistency is the backbone of behavioral regulation. Children thrive when they know what to expect and can trust that adults will follow through with calm, predictable responses.

Consistency does not mean rigidity. For some children, especially those with nervous system differences like Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), holding a boundary in the moment may escalate distress rather than support regulation. Flexibility can be a form of consistency when it is rooted in attunement and trust.

Strategies:

• Early childhood: Use the same phrases and routines daily. Flex routines when sensory needs require it.
• Middle childhood: Follow through on agreed upon consequences, but revisit rules when circumstances change.
• Adolescence: Be consistent in values and communication, but allow for negotiation and adaptation.

Takeaway Boundaries plus skill building create structure and growth.

Connection and collaboration

Coaching is something we do with children, not to them. Collaboration builds trust, autonomy, and problem solving skills.

Why it matters:

• Encourages ownership and accountability.
• Reduces resistance by honoring the child’s voice.
• Builds executive functioning and social emotional skills.

COOPERATE values framework

Collaboration – Work together, not against each other.

• Early Childhood: Invite your child to help clean up toys by turning it into a game.
• Middle Childhood: Plan family routines together, such as deciding homework or chore times.
• Adolescence: Co-create agreements about curfews, chores, or family responsibilities.

Open Communication – Create space for honesty without fear.

• Early Childhood: Use picture cards or emotion faces to help children express feelings safely.
• Middle Childhood: Hold weekly family check ins where everyone shares one success and one challenge.
• Adolescence: Encourage open dialogue by listening without immediate correction.

Ownership – Let children take responsibility for their actions and solutions.

• Early Childhood: Give simple responsibilities like feeding a pet or watering plants.
• Middle Childhood: Allow them to manage their own homework schedule with gentle reminders.
• Adolescence: Support teens in setting personal goals and tracking progress themselves.

Participation – Involve them in decisions that affect them.

• Early Childhood: Offer limited choices such as “Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?”
• Middle Childhood: Let them help decide family activities or weekend plans.
• Adolescence: Include them in discussions about family rules, vacations, or budgeting.

Empathy – See the world through their eyes.

• Early Childhood: Narrate feelings during play, such as “You look sad the tower fell. That’s disappointing.”
• Middle Childhood: Validate frustrations, “I know math feels tricky. That makes sense.”
• Adolescence: Acknowledge overwhelm, “I hear you’re stressed about exams. Let’s talk about what helps.”

Reflection – Help them learn from experience.

• Early Childhood: After a tantrum, gently ask, “What helped you feel better?”
• Middle Childhood: Use journals or charts to reflect on what strategies worked during conflicts.
• Adolescence: Encourage reflective conversations, “Looking back, what would you do differently next time?”

Adaptability – Flex when needed to meet real needs.

• Early Childhood: If cleanup is too overwhelming, break it into smaller steps.
• Middle Childhood: Adjust rules when circumstances change, such as allowing screen time for calming.
• Adolescence: Negotiate boundaries when appropriate, “I know we set a curfew, but let’s hear your perspective.”

Trust – Build it through consistency, repair, and respect.

• Early Childhood: Keep routines predictable and repair quickly when ruptures happen.
• Middle Childhood: Follow through on promises and agreements.
• Adolescence: Respect privacy and confidentiality when they share sensitive information.

Empowerment – Support autonomy and self advocacy.

• Early Childhood: Encourage them to use words or gestures to ask for help.
• Middle Childhood: Teach them to advocate with teachers, “Can you ask for extra time on the assignment?”
• Adolescence: Support independence by encouraging them to make decisions about friendships, schoolwork, or future goals.

Takeaway Connection and collaboration foster resilience and self advocacy. The COOPERATE framework gives parents concrete steps to build trust and guide children toward regulation at every age.

FAQ

What is the difference between behavior coaching and behavior management?

Behavior management focuses on stopping behaviors through control, rewards, or punishments. Behavior coaching builds skills, emotional literacy, and long‑term regulation. Instead of trying to suppress behavior, coaching helps children understand themselves and practice strategies that support growth.

What does behavioral regulation actually look like in real life?

It looks like a child pausing before hitting, asking for help when overwhelmed, or using a calming strategy. A preschooler might squeeze a stress ball instead of throwing toys. A teen might take space in their room before continuing a heated conversation. Regulation is progress toward thoughtful choices, not perfection.

How is behavioral regulation different from just teaching kids to behave?

“Behaving” is about compliance. Regulation is about understanding feelings and making choices. A child who “behaves” may sit quietly out of fear. A child who regulates chooses to sit quietly because they know it helps them focus. Regulation empowers children to act with awareness, not just obedience.

Isn’t compliance important sometimes—when is it appropriate?

Compliance is necessary for safety, such as running into the street or touching a hot stove. Outside of safety, focus on collaboration and skill building. Use compliance for urgent safety, but prioritize regulation for long‑term growth.

How long does it take for kids to develop self‑regulation skills?

It is a developmental process that unfolds across childhood and adolescence. Toddlers may need co‑regulation every day. Teens may still need reminders but can reflect on their choices. Progress is gradual and unique to each child.

What are realistic expectations for behavioral regulation at different ages?

Toddlers need adult co‑regulation and simple routines. School‑age children can use basic strategies like breathing or problem solving with support. Teens can reflect, negotiate, and self‑advocate, though they still need guidance. Expectations should match developmental stage, not age alone.

How do I coach behavior in toddlers who don’t have the language to reflect yet?

Use modeling, narration, and sensory play. For example, “You’re mad. Let’s stomp our feet together.” Offer comfort items like blankets or stuffed animals. Toddlers regulate through connection and play, not words.

What if my teen shuts down or refuses to talk when I try to collaborate?

Respect their need for space. Offer open invitations to talk later, such as “I see you don’t want to talk right now. I’ll check in after dinner.” Collaboration means honoring timing as well as voice.

How do I handle regression in behavior during transitions like starting school or puberty?

Regression is normal during stress. Return to basics: routines, co‑regulation, and validation. Preview new routines, use visuals, and allow extra downtime. Regression signals stress, not failure. Support and patience rebuild skills.

How do I support behavioral regulation in a child with ADHD, autism, or PDA?

Break routines into small steps, use clear language, and follow sensory tolerance. Timers, visual schedules, and scripts like “I need help with wiping” can help. Adapt strategies to the child’s nervous system, not the adult’s agenda.

Why do compliance‑based methods harm neurodivergent kids more than others?

They teach masking and erode trust. A child may smile while distressed to avoid punishment, leading to burnout. Compliance demands can silence authentic needs and cause long‑term harm.

What is masking, and how can I avoid encouraging it?

Masking is suppressing authentic behavior to appear “normal.” A child may hide stimming at school to avoid judgment. Avoid it by validating differences, allowing sensory tools, and celebrating authentic expression. Encourage authenticity, not conformity.

How can I tell the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum?

A tantrum is goal‑oriented and stops when the need is met. A meltdown is nervous system overload and continues until regulation returns. A tantrum might stop when a toy is given; a meltdown continues even after the toy is offered. Respond with empathy either way, but recognize meltdowns as distress, not manipulation.

What are some go‑to tools for helping kids calm down in the moment?

Breathing games, sensory bins, weighted blankets, and movement breaks are effective. Calming tools should match the child’s sensory profile.

How do I set boundaries without being authoritarian?

Use firm but kind language. For example, “You can jump on the mat, not the couch.” Boundaries protect safety and structure while honoring voice.

Why should I avoid rewards and consequences and what should I do instead?

Rewards and consequences teach external control, not internal regulation. Instead, teach skills, validate emotions, and collaborate on solutions. Focus on growth, not compliance.

What if my child doesn’t respond to rewards or consequences?

This signals a skill gap, not defiance. A child may need sensory support before they can follow directions. Look beneath behavior for unmet needs.

How do I stay calm when my child is dysregulated?

Use self‑regulation strategies: deep breathing, pausing, grounding. For example, “I need a moment to breathe before I respond.” Modeling calm teaches regulation more than words.

What are some examples of collaborative problem solving with kids?

Brainstorm solutions together, offer choices, and negotiate routines. For example, “You want more playtime. I want homework done. What’s a fair plan?” Collaboration builds ownership and reduces resistance.

How do I validate emotions without reinforcing negative behavior?

Separate feelings from actions. For example, “It’s okay to feel mad. It’s not okay to hit. Let’s find another way.” Validation builds trust while boundaries guide behavior.

What if my child says “I don’t care” or “leave me alone”?

Respect their words while keeping connection open. For example, “I hear you want space. I’ll be nearby if you need me.” Honoring autonomy builds trust.

How can I build trust with a child who’s been punished a lot in the past?

Repair through consistency, empathy, and respect. Follow through on promises, validate feelings, and avoid punitive responses. Trust rebuilds slowly through safe, predictable interactions.

How do I talk to teachers or caregivers who use compliance‑based methods?

Share your perspective respectfully. For example, “We’ve found that collaborative strategies work better for our child. Can we try those here?” Advocacy means educating others while maintaining partnership.

What does success look like in behavior coaching?

Success is progress, not perfection. A child pauses before reacting, uses a calming tool, or reflects afterward. Celebrate small steps toward regulation.

How do I know if my approach is working?

Look for reduced distress, increased use of strategies, and stronger connection. Your child may begin to ask for breaks or use breathing independently. Growth shows in skill use, not absence of behavior.

What if I mess up or lose my cool—how do I repair with my child?

Repair by acknowledging, apologizing, and modeling accountability. For example, “I yelled. I’m sorry. I should have taken a breath. Let’s try again.” Repair strengthens trust and teaches children that mistakes can be fixed.

About Devina King, B.A. Psy, MSOTR/L, ASDCS, ADHD-RSP

Devina is an autistic occupational therapist, parenting coach, author, and credentialed autism and ADHD specialist with over 17 years of experience working with children, specializing in behavioral regulation and neurodivergence. As both a clinician and a parent, she combines professional expertise with personal experience parenting neurodivergent children who previously struggled with behavioral disorders. This unique perspective allows her to bridge the gap between science and real-world application, offering compassionate, evidence-based behavior treatment strategies that empower children to thrive.

You can learn more about Devina's credentials, lived experience, and approach here. 

Publications

Devina has written many books. Her book From Surviving to Thriving: The Art and Science of Guiding Children to Develop Behavioral Regulation available on Amazon here, provides actionable insights for parents, educators, and professionals looking to support children in building essential self-regulation skills. Devina is an AOTA approved professional development provider. Reviewers praise her works for her comprehensive, refreshing and practical, compassionate approach that takes complex psychological concepts and evidence based approach and breaks it down into concepts anyone can understand and apply. Devina has been included in publications such as this article in Psychologist Brief available here and this article in Doctors Magazine available here. Stop by her store here to explore her latest resources, workshops, CEUs and parent coaching sessions designed to help children succeed in their behavioral development journey!